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Oraison funèbre : Nissan Micra (1997 – 2017)

Alors comme ça c’est fini, ma vieille ? T’as fini par baisser les bras ? On aura quand même fait un beau petit bout de chemin ensemble. Tu me permettras donc d’en partager les grandes lignes, qu’on se souvienne quelque peu de toi…

Commençons par qui tu étais, petite auto. Tu es sortie des chaînes de Sunderland une belle journée de 1997 avant d’atterrir dans la petite concession Nissan de Maisons-Laffitte, dans les Yvelines. Là, un vieux monsieur t’a choisie et a décidé de passer quelques temps avec toi. Tu lui as même survécu, tiens. Et c’est ainsi que tu es arrivée un soir d’été chez nous. Notre accueil fut…frais. “Elle a la direction assistée”, avait tenté mon père, pour nous faire passer la pilule -sans grand succès, il faut l’avouer.

Car il faut bien te le dire, petite Micra. Tu étais moche. Rouge et moche. Ta planche de bord était moche. Ton intérieur était spartiate, tes équipements inexistants : pas de condamnation centralisée, pas de vitres électriques, certainement pas de clim, pas d’ABS, encore moins d’airbag… Eh oui, en plus d’être moche, tu étais un danger public. La Sécurité Routière devrait nous féliciter de te mettre à la casse, tu sais. En plus de ça, ton insonorisation était si mauvaise que le moindre trajet au-dessus des 90 km/h se transformait en épopée. A ton volant, durant ces années, j’ai dû affronter bien des moqueries et des taquineries. Je vais être franc : j’avais souvent honte d’être vu à ton bord, petite Micra.

Et pourtant…

Et pourtant, vois-tu, c’est à ton bord que mes parents m’ont déposé le jour du Bac. C’est à ton bord que je suis allé récupérer les résultats : une mention Bien, assez inespérée. C’est à ton bord que ma mère m’a emmené à l’épreuve du permis de conduire. De fait, tu as été la première “vraie” voiture qui me soit passée entre les mains, après la C3 de l’Auto-Ecole et avant l’autre voiture de la maison, une Volvo V70. Et les premières fois, ça ne s’oublie pas, oh ça non. S’ensuivent les premières fêtes, les vraies, celles qui se terminent après minuit, sans les parents sur le dos. Et toi, chère Micra, de te transformer en taxi pour dispatcher tous les copains (éméchés) du quartier. Il faut donc ici louer ton habitacle spacieux et ton coffre généreux, qui a vu défiler un certain paquet de sacs de couchages et de packs de bières -en plus des courses hebdomadaires, cela va de soi. Et je savais que tes clés posées sur la commode de l’entrée rassuraient mes parents au petit matin, lorsqu’ils ne m’avaient pas entendus rentrer. Tu as fait des déménagements, tu es allée à l’hôpital, chez le docteur, à l’aéroport, à des gares, à Paris, à la mer, à la campagne.

A ton bord, on a ri, on a chanté, on s’est dit des secrets, on s’est engueulés. Quelques larmes ont coulé, même. Tu as transporté de la vie, petite Micra ! Et c’est tellement beau. Tellement commun, mais tellement beau.

Seulement voilà, nous sommes le 9 juin 2017, et après 20 ans et 157 400 km, il est temps de raccrocher : remplacer ton embrayage n’aurait aucun sens économique. Qu’est-ce qui te remplacera ? Mystère pour le moment. Est-ce que tu me manqueras ? Soyons réalistes : pas vraiment, non. En revanche, tu resteras dans ma tête et dans mon cœur pour tous les souvenirs que tu m’as apporté -que tu nous a apporté, plutôt. A moi, à ma famille, à mes amis. A vous aussi, lecteurs, lors d’un poisson d’avril assez mémorable.

Sans rancune, petite Micra. Et merci pour tout 🙂

Et merci à Kévin Goudin pour les photos.

Je suis sur Twitter : @JBPssx.

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